Daddy, Why Was I In China?

Saturday was just a normal night in the Pollard house. Baths were done, teeth were brushed and everyone was settling down for bed. Leslie and I rotate bedtime with the "littles" each night- one night I lay down with Adam and Leslie takes Elli. The next night, we switch.

And believe me: Elli knows the rotation. If Leslie and I are in a "parent fog" and can't remember whose turn it is, I'll ask Elli, "Is it daddy's turn tonight?" She'll look at me with this grin and say, "Ka-night [Tonight], Daddy's turn!"

Saturday night was Daddy's turn so I climbed the stairs and laid down on her pink sheets, propped my head up on her pillow and prepared to read some books, say our prayers and enjoy any number of things that might follow on any given night: snuggles, giggles and laughing at Elli as she hides under the covers and playfully yells "No!" at Luke as he sneaks into her room trying to steal a kiss.

We've got a good routine going and Sunday night was routine. We read a book called A Mother for Choco which tells the story of a small bird named Choco who can't find his mother and goes on a quest to find her. It's a story we've read dozens of time before.

I'm not sure if it's the book that prompted what happened next, but after we read the book, she wrapped herself up in her favorite pink blanket and snuggled up to my shoulder. We laid there for a couple of minutes. I thought she was drifting off to sleep. Then she asked me a question that took my breath away: "Daddy, why was I in China?"

I was speechless and caught completely off-guard: not only because my 5 year old daughter was asking such a profound question, but I also knew I didn't know how to answer it. It's a question I've asked hundreds of times over the past two years.

Why? Why did Elli's parents give her up for adoption? Why didn't they decide to keep her? Why don't we have any information on her birth parents to help us fill in the gaps? Why did Elli have to wait 4 years before she was adopted into our family?

Why?

That 3-letter interrogative has haunted me at times. As I laid in Elli's bed trying to gather my thoughts I wrestled once again with that question. However, this time it wasn't just my own internal struggle. I wasn't alone. My beautiful 5 year old girl was struggling to answer the question. "Why, Daddy?"

I prayed and asked God for wisdom to speak love, truth and healing to my daughter's heart. I felt the weight of the moment and the answer as I looked into her beautiful eyes and said, "Baby, you were in China because that's where you were born. And that's where you were when mommy and daddy came to get you. Now we are all a family."

She contemplated my answer for a few seconds and said, "Luke's a good one" (I don't know what that means for the rest of us). She paused for a moment and said, "I love you, Dad," snuggled up close and went to sleep. I don't know if my answer was a good one, but for that night, my answer sufficed.

But her question got me thinking. In fact, for the past couple of days her question has been relentlessly stirring in my heart. Why? The truth is: I don't know why. Elli may live her entire life without an adequate answer. It is likely she will have more questions as she gets older- "Why did my parents have to give me up for adoption? Why couldn't they keep me?" These are not questions I can answer.

God has reminded me once again it's not my job to know the answers to all the "whys" in my daughter's life, so for the past couple of days I've been praying, "God, she's going to grow up with a lot of 'whys.' I ask you to help me as she navigates the answers and I ask you to help me not be one of her bad "whys." As Elli grows up and wrestles with the many questions that will come to her heart, I hope she will never look at me and say, "Why him? Of all the dads I could have had, why him?"

Instead, I want her to grow up and say, "Although I may not know the answer to all the 'whys' of my life, I am thankful he's my dad." I want to be a good answer to her "why?"

I have to learn to live with the tension of not knowing the answer to all of the "whys" of my daughter's life. Today I leave the "whys" in the hands of God and ask Him to give me the love, grace, strength and wisdom to be a good answer to her Why?

When Love Takes You In

I'm going to have to fight back the tears as I write this one. This one could take a while.

Today is "Gotcha Day." No, it's not some weird September celebration of April Fools Day or a day to pull a practical joke. On this day, just two years ago, I was pacing back and forth in a small hotel room in China. I was awaiting the arrival of my little girl. It was the kind of joyful anticipation every dad feels when standing in the hospital room awaiting the arrival of a child.

A wave of questions flooded my mind: "What will she look like? What kind of personality will she have? Is she going to be daddy's or mommy's girl?"

Before those questions were answered the questions deepened: "What if she doesn't like me? Am I really ready for this? What if this is harder than we anticipated? Am I making a mistake? Can I love her enough? Will she ever be able to love me as a dad? What if this doesn't work out? What if I'm not enough for her?"

And before those questions could be answered, she arrived. I saw a little girl across the courtyard. She was wearing a pink jacket, a red dress with cherries on it and pink and white shoes. She was the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen.

Until I draw my last breath, I will never forget how she looked that day and I'll never forget how much I loved her. Never.

That's "Gotcha Day."

A few days ago I posted two pictures of Elli taken almost two years apart. The difference in the two pictures is remarkable.

A dear friend of our family commented on the pics, "When love takes you in...everything changes." It's true. In every way.

Everything has changed since Gotcha Day.

Elli is a completely different kid. She is stunning. I know I'm biased, but she is (and I'll fight anyone who would dare say otherwise). She has grown so much. She smiles more. She laughs more. She's more secure. She trusts more. She is loved more.

Every night at bedtime I ask her the same series of questions:
Me: Are you daddy's girl?
Elli: Yes.
Me: Are you mommy's girl?
Elli: Yes.
Me: Are you Luke's girl?
Elli: Yes.
Me: Are you Noah's girl?
Elli: Yes.
Me: Are you Adam's girl?
Elli (some days): No.
Elli (on other days when they haven't been fighting): Yes.

Hey, let's be honest: love is hard.

But love took her in and everything changed.

It's not just Elli who was taken in by love. I was taken in as well. Today I am a different man, husband and father than I was on Gotcha Day two years ago. I have learned so much about myself these past two years. Adoption has painfully revealed some of my deepest insecurities. I've learned that I can be a very selfish person. I've learned that I can be too hard on my kids.

But I have also learned so much about love. Love is hard work. Love is dying to self for the welfare of others. Love keeps on giving when there's nothing left to give. Love is unconditional. Love means putting someone else first knowing you may not get something in return. Love is a choice. Love is Jesus on the cross. There he gave his life for the good of others.

On Gotcha Day it wasn't just Elli that was taken in by love. Love took me in as well.

That's right. Adoption has changed me...for the better.

All of those questions I had on Gotcha Day 2 years ago? They've all been answered:

• What will she look like? Stunning. Like her mommy.
• What kind of personality will she have? I would describe her as a funny, crazy, sassy, caring Princess Power Ranger.
• Is she going to be daddy's or mommy's girl? Don't tell mommy, but I won.
• What if she doesn't like me? She does. 
• Am I really ready for this? I wasn't.
• What if this is harder than we anticipated? It is.
• Am I making a mistake? No way.
• Can I love her enough? Absolutely.
• Will she ever be able to love me as a dad? No doubt about it.
• What if this doesn't work out? It has. It will. 
• What if I'm not enough for her? I'm not. I'm not enough for Elli, but Jesus is. He is more than enough. My job as her father is to point her to him. 

Today is Gotcha Day- a day when we celebrate Elli becoming a part of our family. But it's more than that. It's a day we celebrate love taking us all in.

We love you, Elliana Joy Jing Pollard. We didn't just take you in: you took us in. Love took us in...and everything changed.