Friday, August 24, 2018

My Parents Loved Someone Else More Than Me

On Valentine’s Day in 2005 I gave my wife this book as a gift:


It's a children's book. I know: it's super romantic, right? But as weird as it may seem, this book was a rare stroke of romantic genius. The title of the book was "Guess How Much I Love You" and tells the story of a mother's deep love for her child. We were expecting our first child at any moment and I had a lot of questions: “How would my life be changing? What would it be like to care for a baby? How do you change a diaper? Will I be a good dad? How would this affect my relationship with my wife?”

I wrestled with that last question the most: How would this baby affect my relationship with my wife? As I prayed through and contemplated the answer to that question I realized something had been shaping my life for decades without me even realizing it. It was just a part of me.

Having a child changes everything. All of a sudden you are faced with the overwhelming reality that a tiny human being is completely dependent upon you for everything. Children are consuming: sleepless nights, cleaning up throw up more times than you ever thought you would, changing diapers, calming fears, cleaning scrapes, hugging away hurts, assuring them they are loved and treasured, baseball practice, basketball practice, school activities, family vacations, trying to survive a trip to the grocery store with a 2 year old, washing dishes. 

Raising children can be a challenge. There is financial, emotional, physical, mental, spiritual and societal pressure. It’s constant. I should know: I have four of them, and so did my parents.

My parents got married on August 24, 1968. They were so young. Dad was 18 and mom was 17. They started a family right away as my oldest brother, Rodney, was born in January 1970. My dad served in Vietnam during those early years of marriage, so my mom was basically a “single mom” during that time. Upon his return from Vietnam, their family continued to grow. Sam was born in 1973, I was born in 1976 and Kasey was born in 1979.

Life for my parents was never easy. Mom and dad were tireless workers. Dad often worked multiple jobs to provide for our family. He was a fireman, owned a roofing company and a bit later in life he became a pastor. Mom was a stay-at-home mom and worked herself to the bone every day. Because of this, we were a single income family.

We were not rich by any stretch of the imagination. I remember my 5thgrade year at Bethune Elementary I got 2 new pair of jeans for school. I alternated those jeans every other day. We didn’t get allowances, we didn’t have the nicest cars, and I didn’t always get the newest cleats or baseball bat for every baseball season. We took our lunches to school almost every day and a trip to McDonald’s was a real treat. Other kids usually had more lunch money for the snack bar than we did. Other kids had nicer clothes and better cars. I must admit, as a young, immature kid, I was a little bothered by this. Other kids in high school were getting new cars for their 16thbirthday, but I got an ’88 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme. 

Now, as an adult and a father of 4, it doesn’t bother me at all. I know what it takes to provide for a family. It’s not easy. It’s hard work. It's stressful. You make sacrifices your kids will NEVER know about just to bring some joy and happiness to their lives. I have grown to deeply appreciate all my parents did for us growing up.

I wondered about a lot of things as a kid: “Why can’t I just get a new bat? Why can’t I get a Coca-Cola shirt (they were a big deal back then)? Why are we sneaking hot dogs into the Astrodome? Why can’t we just buy one there? Why can’t I get the newest pair of Jordan’s?”

I may have wondered about a lot of things, but I NEVER wondered whether my parents loved me. I didn’t fully appreciate it at the time, but I do now. There is a safety and security that comes from being loved and valued that money can never buy. When I wasn’t a part of the “in crowd” at school, went 0 for 4 at the baseball game, missed the game winning shot in the basketball game, failed a test or made a big mistake, I knew two people in my life loved me unconditionally. You can’t put a price tag on that kind of love. 

We were never rich, but we were wealthy beyond measure. I am a wealthy man to have been raised by Dwain and Jeanette Pollard. I am blessed beyond measure. I had parents who never gave up on me, who love me and who believed in me when others, including myself, gave up.

In 2005, as a soon-to-be-dad, I began to really realize how much their love had been shaping my life every single day. But it wasn’t just their love for me that shaped me, it was also their love for one another.

It was that Valentine’s Day in 2005 that I realized this truth about my parents: my parents did not love me more than they loved each other. I want to write that again because it is so profound: My parents did not love me more than they loved each other.I have doubted a lot of things in my life but not ONE TIME growing up did I doubt whether my parents loved each other. Even when they fought, they loved each other. When things got tough, they loved each other. For richer, for poorer, they loved each other. In sickness, and in health, they loved each other. For better, or for worse, they loved each other. Above all others, and forsaking all others, they loved each other. Because of this, today they celebrate 50 years of marriage.

So why did I buy that children's book for my wife as a Valentine's Day gift? I knew my wife was going to be an awesome mom. I am truly blessed to have married a woman who loves our children the same way my mom loved me. On the inside cover of the book I wrote this note to Leslie:



For those who can't read my terrible handwriting, the note reads, “Every time you read this to Luke…remember how much I love you.” This is the truth that I uncovered in 2005: If I love my wife well, I’ll love my kids well.

I learned this from the best mom and dad a son could ever pray for.

Thank you, mom and dad, for loving me as you have, but thank you for loving each other more. Happy 50thAnniversary. You are a true inspiration to me and I pray my wife will one day will celebrate our 50thwith the same joy and happiness you have today.

I love you both.