Will You Dance With Me?

It's 11:30 at night after another long day. As I prepare to go to sleep I feel like Adam Sandler in the movie 50 First Dates. If you haven't seen the movie, Adam plays the part of Harry who falls in love with Lucy, a beautiful girl with amneisa. Every day she wakes up and it's as though the previous day never happened. So every day Harry has to work so hard to make Lucy fall in love with him.

This has been my life for the past two days with my new daughter, Elliana. I feel like the dorky junior high student who is in love with the most beautiful girl in school who keeps asking her to the 8th grade dance multiple times every day, only to be rejected over and over again. It's heartbreaking. It hurts every time. But he know if he keeps asking her, one day she'll say "yes." My heart aches for that "yes." 

As Leslie and I were anticipating adoption we attended numerous conferences to help us prepare. At one conference the speaker spoke of the "attachment dance." Children from difficult places have trouble attaching emotionally and relationally because, quite frankly, no one in their lives helped them create that secure attachment. No one cuddled them. No one answered their cries for help. At one conference the speaker told about how quiet it was at bedtime in the orphanage because the kids learn at an early age that if you cry, no one is going to pick you up, so there's no need to try. It's heartbreaking to think about.

So as an adoptive parent, you have to learn to dance. You have to hear her cries and respond, you have to listen to her needs and show love and concern, you have to hold her, you have to be present. As you connect with your child, a beautiful dance ensues. So here's a list of all the things I did to ask her to dance today:

-I got her some yogurt for breakfast

-I offered her some of my juice

-I took her to to zoo

-I tried to hold her hand and walk with her

-I picked her up to show her the animals (by the way, she had never been to the zoo in her life)

-I bought her some jelly beans

-I playfully threw her in the air

-I tried to color in her coloring book with her

-I tried to play the iPad with her

-I kissed her cheek

-I blew kisses to her

-When she cried, I hugged her

-I even held her for an hour and a half as she slept (she didn't know it, of course, because she would have never allowed me to hold or snuggle her that long).

Each time I invited her to the dance she would look at me with sad eyes, with eyes that didn't trust me, she would turn away, she would cry or she would say (in Chinese), "Baba, don't touch that."

It's hard to be rejected so many times in one day. It takes an emotional toll. But it's not about me, it's about her. This girl IS the most beautiful girl in the world. I love her so much. I want her to feel secure. I want her to feel safe. I want her to know I will not leave her. I want her to know she can trust me. Not for me, but for her wounded heart. I prayed for this girl before I met her, but since I've met her I have prayed with tears every night.

I see the way she looks at me when I ask her to dance. Her eyes are a window to her wounded soul. Sometimes her eyes show hurt deep inside and her they tell me, "Baba, I don't want to be hurt." Other times her eyes say, "Baba, I can't trust you." Other times it's just confusion- "Baba, why are you trying to love me?"

So after a day of trying and getting nothing but "no's" I had resigned myself to try again tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow she'll say "yes" and we can dance. When we returned to our room after dinner a pillow fight among the kids started and Elli was right in the middle of it. She was the only one with a pillow and the boys took turns getting hit and dramatically falling onto the bed. She laughed and laughed. I stood and watched it all unfold.

Then that "nervous junior higher" voice spoke up in my head- "You've got to ask her again." I argued back, "Not today. I've had enough rejections today." I knelt down beside the bed. I was so nervous. With a voice that could crack at any moment I mustered up the strength to invite her to dance- "Elli, hit Baba with the pillow." The madness of the pillow fight stopped for a moment and she focused those beautiful eyes on me. It was about a 3 second pause but I could read it in her eyes. This time it wasn't a statement, it was a question: "Baba, can I trust you?"

And the first move of our dance began. In breathtaking unison she hit me with the pillow and I flopped around like a fish. She laughed a different kind of laugh. It wasn't like any other laugh I heard when she hit her brothers. It was a beautiful laugh where the safety she felt in that moment was expressed in a laugh of sheer joy. I got off the floor and we danced some more. She hit me, I would flop. Hit, flop. One, two, repeat. All in the rhythm of a growing love. I made sure not to miss a beat. If she swung the pillow, I acted like she was hitting me with "Mike Tyson in his prime"-like force. In all, the dance lasted about 3 minutes.

But they were the greatest 3 minutes of my day. I asked her to dance again: I tried to take her swimming. She looked so cute in her swimsuit. But this time her eyes said, 'No, Baba. Not this time." But she sat and watched with Mama with her legs crossed in the adorable way she always does.  

A friend texted me today and asked, "Does she have you around her finger yet?" I responded, "Yes, she has me completely: I just don't have her yet." I know the day will come when I will win her over. I know she will one day say to me, "Yes, Baba, we can dance." Today, I got a hesitant "yes" for 3 minutes.

I don't know what will happen when she wakes up tomorrow morning. I don't know if she'll remember those 3 minutes of dancing. But I do know this: even if she doesn't remember, I'm asking her to the dance yet again. And I won't stop until I hear those words, "Yes, Baba. I will go to the dance with you."

Guest writer - Wes, funny China

Since Robby is posting all the sentimental stuff. I figure I'll write all the nonsense.  

There are many interesting things here in China.  We were at a plaza looking for food and this is what we found.  

A place called Toilet.  I think thats what happens after you eat there?  I think Robby and Kasey are the same, they love eating spicy chicken sandwiches. But then they have stomach issues and light up the place with some stank (I think that's slang). I left the hotel room so Robby can take care of business. Sorry Kasey I don't mean to call you out.  

I finally found a fried rice place, but Ellie liked my rice better than her noodles. She was so cute, so I let her have it. I m trying to get on her good side. She calls me shu Shua (uncle). She still nodding her head no to me for hugs, Rude. 

Since Robby was a cheerleader in high school, yes cheerleader.  I thought he could do these moves of Kung foo panda.  He tried to impress Ellie, but he didn't come close. 

I think he ripped his pants. Ellie wasn't impressed. 

Ellie has been on and off with Robby, so Robby had the idea to take her to the candy store to win her over.  She found this...

And this...Robby is going to be like me and spoil the girls, and buy anything she wants.  He did say, " I would buy her a Mercedes Benz if she asked. ". 

We walked around the candy store and discovered some disgusting candy. 

Chicken feet candy. 

Chicken mouth candy. 

I m not sure what this is. I think chicken poop candy. 

Well this is the most I have written in my life.  I m exhausted. Kasey normally writes for me, but she is sleeping in the U.S. while I m typing here. I m not sure how to close out. Peace. 

So I met this girl today...

So...I met this girl today. You've heard that line before so you know where this story is going...kind of. I knew I was going to meet her. We had been planning this meeting for about two years now. We flew thousands of miles to get to the meeting place.

This morning as we left our hotel to head for the meeting place, I was actually pretty calm. I was confident this was going to be a great day. I knew it would be great to meet this girl. She knew we were coming, although I am certain she didn't really know what that meant.

I mean, let's face it. She's never met a guy like me. I'm not talking about my personality, my size, my goatee or my my sense of style (or lack thereof): I'm talking about the fact that I'm a dad- or as she says it, "Baba." This thought just tears me up to even think about it: she has never met Baba.

Until today. Oh, this girl. I'm telling you. From the moment I laid eyes on her, I knew I was in big trouble. There are only 3 people I have ever felt this way about: my sons- Luke, Noah and Adam. I have often described the love you feel when your children are born as an "explosion of love." It is a love that can't be manufactured. It is not a love you learn. It is a gift from God. And that same gift was given to me today yet again.

From the moment I first heard her call me "Baba," I was hooked completely. I mean "all-in." I'm talking "I'd sell the Toyota Sienna mini-van and buy her a Mercedes if she asked me to" kind of all-in. I was hooked on her, but she definitely wasn't hooked on me. She only said "Baba" because the worker at the orphanage told her to repeat the word after her. She was, however, hooked on "Mama."

We returned to our hotel and spent the afternoon with Elliana. She wouldn't have much to do with me. When I would try to hold her, she only wanted Mama. When I would try to help her, she turned away. We knew this was normal for a kid who has lived her entire life at an orphanage primarily under the care of female workers. However, it was still hard to love someone that much only to not be trusted in return.

For about an hour this afternoon Leslie and I had Elli all to ourselves. Uncle Wes (who made the trip with us and has been such a help) took the boys swimming and it got really quiet in the hotel room. All was going well. Elli was coloring and seemed to be kind of settling in for the day. We did notice that Elli wouldn't allow us to change her clothes- but especially her shoes. Perhaps these shoes are a reminder of "home." Perhaps these shoes were a gift from a caretaker that meant a lot to her. We don't know, but the shoes had to stay on as she colored her pictures, played with dolls and watched Frozen. Her shoes gave her a sense of security- so they stayed on.

At some point, the enormity of the day hit her. The only "family" Elli has ever known was gone and we were left standing in their place. She began to cry- that heartbreaking "daddy hold me" kind of cry I had heard from my boys so many times. But she didn't want Baba. It was tough to be in the same room with someone you love so much only to know she couldn't yet receive your love.

She did want Mama. Leslie rocked her. She held her. She tried to reassure her and comfort her, but it wasn't enough. Then, in this God-filled moment I will NEVER forget, she got down from Leslie's arms, crawled across the bed toward me, let out another cry and reached up and put her arm around my neck. I immediately wrapped mine around her and held her close. The tears flowed as I held her. I was becoming Baba to her and the feeling was unbelievable.

We have along way to go. Tonight, as Elli was getting ready for bed she finally allowed us to change her clothes. We put her in some princess pajamas with pink socks...but she had to have her shoes on. So Baba helped her put on her shoes and climb into bed with Mama. Leslie read books to her, gently rocked her to sleep and sang to her as she has done with every one of our children.

Daddy's girl went down without much of a fight. As everyone in the family lay fast asleep I knelt beside her bed to pray over her. I just knelt and cried for her. I know today was tough for her. I know it doesn't all make sense to her. But I want her to one day know there is a Father in heaven who loves her because this Baba loves her so well. So I leaned over, gently kissed her forehead, took off her shoes and prayed.

Sleep well my child. Baba loves you.

So yeah...I met this girl today.

Guest writer - Wes

Robby didn't ask me to post, but Deborah gave me his credentials.  Thanks for sharing all Robby's info, next I'll get his bank account info. I have been known to be an ESL person, so forgive me for my lack of writing skills. 

Down here in China, Robby and I are huge.  I mean muscular. I feel like a giant. This is a pic of us at the train station. Once they opened the gates to get on, it sounded like the bull at the rodeo hitting the gate. It was a mess. 

Everybody's on their phone, anti-social.  

We had an awesome buffet at the hotel, but Luke and Noah spotted these places. So I had to take them there.  Thanks for the nasty chicken McDonalds.  The cheese pizza wasn't so bad.  I'll let you know tonight. 

I'll close for now, but wanted share a pic of the room where had to wait for Ellie to come in. Leslie's stomach hurt because she was nervous and had some McDonald's issues. I'll let Robby post the family meeting pics.  

Ellie might be racist because they told her I was the uncle (shu shu).  And she nodded no.  😔. It's ok, I'll buy her something tomorrow to get on her good side. 

Quick Update

We arrived in China after a long day of travel. After about 24 hours without sleep we met with Jane, our adoption facilitator to fill out some paperwork before our initial meeting with Elliana. She had the opportunity to meet Elliana a couple of days ago. She described her as "sweet, very outgoing and has quite a personality." Sounds like our boys are going to have a run for their money. She also told us that Elli plays with everyone and is very kind. Man, when I heard that, my heart melted for her even more and I teared up.

We are scheduled to meet Elliana for the first time in 5 hours (9:00 p.m. Sunday evening, CST). At that point Elli will become a part of our family. It's hard to believe it's so close. 2 years of praying, planning, paperwork and waiting is finally coming to an end and she will have her "forever family."

So we need everyone to pray today for some specific things:

1. Elli- She is only 3 years old and has been in the care of the orphanage for her entire life. Today is going to be difficult for her to understand. We are praying God will heal her heart and bring her great joy as she joins our family today.

2. The boys- They are really excited to have a baby sister- to the point of uncontrolled "under normal circumstances you would be disciplined" kind of energy (Adam was awake at 3:30 a.m.). They have been told to "calm down" about 349 times this morning. It could be a combination of sleep deprivation and excitement. Nonetheless, they need Divine intervention.

3. Smooth transitions- For Elli, for the boys, for mom and dad. The next few days will be challenging as we all transition to the new family God has put together. Just pray for everything to be ordained and orchestrated by God today.

We love you all. Pics of the family are coming later today!

Overwhelmed...again

Fifteen years ago I said "I do" to the most beautiful woman in the world. My most vivid memory from my wedding day was when the doors of the auditorium were opened and I saw Leslie standing there, about to walk forward and marry me. She chose me. I was overwhelmed...and I still am.

Ten years ago, on February 21, 2005, Leslie and I were in the living room of our first home. Leslie was scheduled to be induced the next morning to give birth to our first son. I remember sitting in my living room thinking of all that was about to change in our lives and feeling overwhelmed. The next day God graced us with a beautiful, healthy baby boy. That same process was repeated in 2008 and again in 2011. Holding all of my boys for the first time left me overwhelmed...and I still am.

Tomorrow morning, Sept. 12, 2015, my family will leave Houston, TX headed for China where a little girl is waiting for us. Tonight, I feel exactly the same way I felt the night before each of my biological children were born. I am...overwhelmed.

I thank God for my wife. She is the love of my life and a beautiful mother to my 3 boys. I thank God for my 3 boys- Luke, Noah and Adam. And I thank God that he chose Elliana to be a part of our family as well. I am overwhelmed by the goodness and the grace of God in our lives.

I already know when I see Elli in person for the first time my heart is going to explode. I love her so much my heart hurts. I am overwhelmed...again.

As we get ready for bed tonight I look back on our two year adoption journey. I look back at what God has done and it is nothing short of a miracle that we are leaving tomorrow. So many people have prayed for us. So many have given financially to make this adoption possible. This girl is already loved by so many.

To all of our friends and family: Thank you for loving our girl. Thank you for joining us on this journey. We can't wait for you to meet Elli. We pray her life will be overwhelmed by the goodness and mercy of God.

A Girl Looking for Her Daddy

"A father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.
God settles the solitary in a home..." Psalm 68:5-6

There is a girl somewhere yearning for a dad, and I feel called to be that to her. The truth is she has a dad, she just hasn't met him yet. I am trying to get to her, but she doesn't know it yet. Every day I think about her. Every night I pray for her to come home soon. My heart yearns to bring her home.

There's a family waiting for her- a family to love her, provide for her, hug her, have tea parties with her, dance in the living room with her and provide a home for her...so she doesn't have to feel alone anymore. Leslie and I recently attended a conference for adoptive parents. I don't remember everything that was said that weekend, but one part gripped my heart. The speaker shared the testimony of an adoptive family that was amazed at how quiet the orphanages were. You would think a house filled with kids would be filled with crying, but they're not. The reason: babies in orphanages learn at a young age that crying doesn't do any good- no one is coming to pick you up.

My heart sank. No kid should feel alone. No kids should feel like no one is coming. No kid should have to live without a family. So we're adopting. We are privileged that God has called us to do this.

When David penned the 68th Psalm he didn't know the Pollards and he didn't know our daughter in Moldova, but he did know the heart of God. God is a father to the fatherless. He defends those who can't defend themselves. He gives a home to the lonely.

As much as my heart yearns for my daughter, the heart of God yearned for her even more. Although I will have to sacrifice some things to be her dad, God sacrificed everything for her. He loved her all the way to the cross.

I feel honored, blessed and completely unworthy to be her dad. But I know by God's grace I can be what He has called me to be. Will you pray for our family as we continue this journey? So many have given so much to help us get her home. We are humbled by the grace and generosity of so many.

Will you consider helping us financially in our adoption journey? Simply click this link: https://www.lifesongfororphans.org/give/donate/one-time/?giftchoice=Adoption%20Funding&adoptionfunding=Family%20Specific
Our family account number is 4045. The family name is Pollard.

Thank you for loving our daughter with us!